I work fulltime as a production assistant in the fashion industry. That's a fancy way of saying I perform data entry for 40 hours a week. My company produces and sells fancy evening gowns and prom dresses. You know those dresses that those ladies wear on the TV show Deal or No Deal? Yea, they sometimes buy their dresses from us. And celebrities often stop by to order red carpet dresses from us (I haven't seen any yet). And one of my coworkers is casted on MTV's Real World, so the camera follows her around the office sometimes (I have seen that). OHHHH SOOO COOOOOL, you say. Not really. I don't interact with these people at all. I sit at my computer entering data all day long.
Also, pursuing a career in psychology, this stupid data entry job does nothing for my future. It doesn't pay very much, either. But I needed a job immediately and this opportunity presented itself in the nick of time. I should be happy for myself that I got a job at all (considering how freaked out I was about being jobless just a week ago), and I sort of am proud of myself for making things happen so fast, but this is a dead end job for me and I still feel unproductive. (This one year break before applying for grad school was supposed to help me beef up my CV and figure out exactly what I wanted to specialize in by getting some real life experience, but so far I've done nothing in that respect.)
It doesn't help that both my mother and my boyfriend aren't really supportive of me having this job, either. The second I told them I landed the job, they both asked me how temporary this job was going to be, how long before I quit? I know they just want to best for me; they don't want me to get too comfortable with this job and forget about all my other priorities, but I kind of wish they could be happy for me for at least a minute. This Asian style of pushing me to do better is hard on the ego; it makes me feel like such a dissappointment to them, and therefore myself. Nothing I do is ever enough. There is always something better I could be doing with my time.
Before I start going on a tangent about Asian parenting and Asian culture in general, let me get back to my point: So now I have a job, but it's only a temporary one, so what in store for me next?
In the best case scenario, I would finish up studying for my GRE and take that goddamn test already, get a better job with better pay, start volunteering for the suicide hotline, move out of my mom's place, and apply for grad school the fall. These are all things I had planned since May. So I'm delayed. What can I do? I'm trying my best. My mom and my boyfriend would argue that I'm not trying my best, but I have to stop thinking like that. I have to keep my head up and work at my own speed.
Oh, and it turns out my mom lost her job as a babysitter the same week I started my new job. What a coincidence. So now I have to factor in the extra cost of helping her out with rent and stuff. Not that I would really have a problem with that, except the location of her apartment is too freaking far from the city where I work (2 hour commute each way is ridiculous), and then there is the rodent problem. But the rent is decently cheap for what we get. Of course, I'd prefer to move out on my own, but according to my boyfriend, I don't make anything close to enough money to move out.
But let's say I continue to live with my mom and brother. My mom now has zero income and zero savings and my brother does not make anything close to surviving if he starts to pay rent. (He makes less than me and I make close to minimum wage.) So what do I do? They need my help, but would it even be smart of me to continue living with them? Should I take the chance of them dragging me further down the shit hole when they can't come up with rent at the end of each month? Or move out on my own, having to live counting my pennies, but only have to be responsible for myself? And is it morally okay for me to leave my family out to dry while I try to succeed on my own? My mind tells me to do it, but my heart tells me not to. I have a lot of questions and not many options at this point.
So that's my most current dilemma. Being poor and trying to survive. I really need to sit my family down and have a good talk with them. I thought getting a job would be a good thing, a step ahead for me, but it doesn't seem like it anymore. I'm really jealous of people who can still count on their family's support (instead of the other way around), but everyone has to grow up sometime and I guess my time is now.
12 comments:
That is quite a dilemma, especially because of the fact that you're from an Asian culture... :/ I hope that maybe your mom and brother will also try their best to make ends meet.
Wow, that's tough. You should be glad to have found a job, any job. It'll at least be a means to an end, until you figure out what to do next. At least you're making some money and it'll be easier to move onto something else from this point forward.
Hrm, I'd say if you left your brother and mother, that may cause too much strain in the relationship down the road. I don't know about your mom, but my parents use to be super good at making me feel guilty. Children are suppose to support their family when they grow up.. blah blah blah. But at the same time, if you realize they are depending on you TOO much, almost like taking advantage of you instead of trying to get back on their feet, then you may want to consider moving out. You can't live with the bf?
damn girl. breathe. you can figure this out. yeah the economy sucks hairy balls right now. but hey being a PA in fashion sounds impressive to idiots that look at your resume so use that to ur advantage. you can always temp. be strong girl you'll make it through.
Angie: My boyfriend lives with his parents and there's no room for me, unfortunately. He already complains I take up too much space when I visit!
LOl sounds like a hella great guy to me. At least he's honest, as for the Asian thing, it's good with balance. Why can't people just be happy rather than asking you what's your next move. No one knows what the future holds and if you zoom past it you'll miss it. I take my time I know i have to get there but i'll get there my way. So yea you'll be fine jenn sit them down and let em know what has to happen people hate the truth but sometimes it's a dish best served cold so dish it out.
Sugabum, at least you went and DID something about it when you were worried about being unable to find a job. Not many people would have taken the initiative, making up an excuse about how they're waiting around for a better opportunity to arise. I know this doesn't console you much, but I think you should focus more on how you please yourself, not how you please your mother and boyfriend.
The quarter-life crisis is evidently a problem with all of us; it's certainly brought up quite often in my forum. I sure as hell am feeling inadequate and unachieved, too.
Lay it straight with your boyfriend and mother. Be blunt and clear in letting them know that you know how to worry about those things without their help. You appreciate their concerns but they're not helping you in the least unless they're getting out there and scoring job apps for you. You're doing your best and you're always thinking about what the next step is. If they don't believe you're doing that much, then maybe they should reevaluate whether they're underestimating you.
As long as you're focused on your goals and you're doing what you can to achieve them, what more should they expect of you?
As for financial troubles, both my family and my boyfriend's are hit hard by the recession, too. We're all doing what we can, but we can't work miracles. If you're feeling guilty about moving forward while leaving your family behind, don't see it that way. I know it's REALLY hard for us to look out for no.1 before family, but think of it in the means that you have to build your own credit to be able maximize your aid for your family.
As far I see it, you're doing everything that you can and anything further is determined by powers beyond ours. Maybe we should just focus one what we CAN do, rather than what we can't or don't know how.
*sigh* the typical asian culture of dealing with the children. the vicious cycle of degrading will never go away :( sucks so bad. and no offense, but i don't think either your mother nor your brother should complain of your job when THEY don't have jobs and are asking you for the financial help!
honestly i'd help them get back onto their feet but after they're back on their feet i'd let them loose on the financial help because it's their responsibility and hopefully they wont' stay home all day long to make you give them the money cuz that's just not fair.
goodluck with everything sugabum!! hope all turns out well.
Take your time! I think you're doing fine just keep doing what feels right. Also good luck and I hope the job is more exciting than it sounds. Make the most of whatever job you can have!
James= Bburg, VA
You stress about your life way too much! Relax a bit, I know your situation isn't ideal right now, but think of it as a phase or just a temporary glitch. Don't worry things WILL work out eventually if you keep working at getting to your goal.
i'm coming to nyc on the 29th of dec. i HAVE TO AND MUST TO see you! Let's go out dancing now that we're of age! :)
oh dear.
reality check = reality bites!
But you have to make the best of it. Honestly keep the data entry job. Because with data entry - you'll always have a job. And it's not so dead end as you think. You move up the food chain. And nobody really bothers you and you don't have to step all over other people to get to the top. Understand that even with a graduate degree you may not get what you want or the job of your dream. Have plan B and this job seems good for the time being. Nothing to be ashamed about. Trust me there are people that are not any better off than you are.
As for questions on whether it's right to support your family and not move out but also shell out the money. Honey, all you have to worry about is yourself. You come first. Don't let other let you think that you are selfish in doing so. Because at the end of the day, you give and you give and there won't be anything left to give and not much left of you. You do what is best for you. That doesn't mean smooth sailing. It means growing up and going through with the pain. But whatever you do, have a plan. Good luck.
wow...i don't even know where to begin. the situation can make anyone feel down. i can't tell you want to do because i don't know enough about everything to suggest even the slightest bit of direction.
but try to look at the positive things. i know it's probably hard with everything else going on. but i'm proud of you for doing what you set out to do. yeah it may not have been your plan, but everyone gets there in their OWN time. you can't force it. i'm glad you got a job so quickly after saying you needed one. you're the type of person who gets things done when they put their mind to it. so take your time, & things will eventually pan out. don't dwell too much on all the negative things
take care of yourself
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