Friday, November 30, 2012

Wanna know a secret?

I finally took the GRE test earlier this month, after years of putting it off for one reason or another. 

I set aside months to study for the exam.  I was not social for a period of 7 months.  I pushed all my friends away.  Every text was responded with, "I'm studying."  The goal was to avoid any sort of distraction/excuse not to study.  You'd think I did all the right things to set myself up for success this time around.  There's no way I could fuck up that exam after studying 7 whole months for it.  Honestly, though,  I didn't study jack shit for that test.  Everyday for months, I'd return home from work with the intention of studying, but end up taking a nap and never waking up until the sun rose.  It was obviously avoidance behavior.  The simple thought of the GRE gives me panic attacks, so I avoided it. (I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, if you don't already know.)

So, slowly the GRE test date creeped up and, yea, I panicked, but I told myself I'm going to take it this time no matter what.  I was not going to back out again.  And I did.  Surprisingly, I did decent for somebody who didn't study for it.  The score is not spectacular, but high enough to be considered by most of the schools I'm applying to.  That's all that matters, right? So, why am I bringing this up at all?

Well....I'm doing it again.

I'm supposed to have been writing my grad school essays for the last 2 weeks (no, that's not a lot of time to work on the essays, but the GRE was on my mind prior to this).  Again, I blew off all my friends for the last two weeks; I even spent Thanksgiving alone.  It was all with good intentions.  I meant to use the time wisely to write and edit my grad school essays...but all that got accomplished in the last two weeks was an incredible amount of sleep.

I'm applying to eight schools this year.  The first two applications are due tomorrow.  I'm only starting to work on the essays now.  NOWWWW.  8:30PM on the night before.  Fuck.

The essays are going to get written.  The applications are going to get submitted.  It's going to happen.  I just hate that I do this to myself.

Nobody else knows that I didn't study for my GRE or that my grad school essays are yet to be written.  Everyone's under the impression that I've been studying and working intensively on my GRE and grad school applications for months.  There's no benefit in telling anyone the truth.  I have no excuse for procrastinating and I would not have fun trying to explain myself.

My anxiety disorder holds me back a lot, but it can be an excuse only to an extent.  If I want to succeed in life, I need to find ways to work through my anxiety to achieve my dreams.  For four years, I let my anxiety disorder prevent me from applying to grad school.  This year, my anxiety disorder is still around, but I'm forcing myself to apply to grad schools anyway.  Even if it means getting a mediocre GRE score due to lack of studying and writing my grad school essays on the night before they are due.

To me, this is a great achievement....just the act the following through.  But I still feel like such a failure because I know how much greater I could have done if I did study for my GRE and if I did spend the entire last two weeks writing my essays.

Maybe mediocrity is okay.  Achieving mediocrity is better than not trying at all.

Wishing myself luck....

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